HAGGIS AIN'T CAKE

WWW.KEEME.COM
I still love these guys so BLOG ON MY KITTY GATOS.

I WILL BE BACK!

WWW.KEEME.COM

I still love these guys so BLOG ON MY KITTY GATOS.

I WILL BE BACK!

Septic system is backed up again.

I live in a house with 3 girls... I love them.. but we only have 1 bathroom... and the septic system (these should last 10 years without service) is backed up for the 7th time in 8 years.
Boys would be ok... We could all just go stand behind something and be "OK".. but NOOOOooOOOOoooOOOOooo

Girls are nice like sugar and spice and such!

I need a new everything.

*Sigh*

Today my good friend Dave (ok that is his real name) showed me the err of my ways. "See" he says "I did not want to tell you this but the name of your BLOG is all wrong... I have never see you do the common Wizard type things that Wizards do"

*Silent Sigh*

"I have not seen you SHOOT sparks from your fingers or turn things into other stuff"

I agree with Dave... so due to the recent Haggis debacle I have decided to name the blog HAGGIS AIN'T CAKE, Well that and the fact that Dave bought the website KEEME.COM (so he sorta owns all us Keemes' kinda like those old time Sea Monkeys). Man those things used to freak me out.


So new name... new incidents (PLEASE may I get to write about super-models encounters or lottery winning!!!) Until next time

Now I have to call my Dad and brother and tell them Dave's yard needs cutting.

My life as the Wizard

HAGGIS IS NOT CAKE

I am probably as open minded as the next guy... but there is something wrong with this picture


Ok, so I thought it was cake.. it turned out to be like the opposite of cake.. the anti cake if you will. While children celebrate birthdays with huge frosted rectangular pieces of deliciousness there are "others" balancing out the eco system with the dreaded HAGGIS (you know they actually use a sheep stomach and other stuff that if I list will make me feel pretty much like - SICK).

Don't get me wrong, I am not knocking the (what I am sure is a delicacy somewhere) dish... just that it caught me off guard. I was expecting some sort of sweet tasting pastry (strudel, cake or other fun sticky goodness) and I got Haggis.. My friend (Dave) and I were chatting and I asked him "hey! What is Haggis, is it cake?" he looked at me like a dog looks at a person (that sideways look.. man! I shoulda known right there) and I explained I had won this recipe moments earlier. He ran and printed out like 90 pages of HAGGIS related material.

*Sigh* I need another Alka seltzer

He laughed at me all the way home on our carpool drive... DAMN SAFETY BELTS!

:-)


Could have been worse... could have been that other kind of cake

I prefer the Haggis over that any day.

Today I was thinking about next weeks "ORDEAL"... I have to go under the knife... So I was worried and wondering and placing crap on eBaY to sell and even bid on something that cost like 6 cents (cost me a few bucks to use my bank account for this... I don't even need a recipie to make HAGGIS).
Talked to one of my best friends today... he is taking the day off to come talk to me on "D-DAY" that was freaking cool of him... this guy is the funniest thing since the Dukes of Hazard. His line is "Why wouldn’t ya"

If you ask him something he will answer with "Why wouldn’t ya"

Me "GJ, Should I get an operation?"
GJ "Why wouldn’t ya?"
Me "Ok then... you are a smart guy"
GJ "Yes"
Me "*Sigh* of relief"
GJ "What kind of Operation anyway?"

I love that dude but he is "the craziest guy YOU never did meet" (another one of his lines).
Well I still have my eBaY purchases.
What is HAGAS anyway hope it is like cake or something... mmmm haggis cake

Hello it has been a while (much to update... will do that tonight if I get a chance), it has been hectic--work, home--craziness.

If I have not told you... I am a single Dad raising 3 girls... *Sigh*

They are the most wonderful drain on resources a man could ever ask for (or win in a poker game)

Just kidding... I don't ask for stuff.

So my oldest tells me she has actually kissed boys (she is 16)... I REALLY thought she had never done that... I WAS SHOCKED!

I know what you’re thinking "IDIOT"
And I think you are correct.

BUIT DAMN! I did not have an idea... they usually lie to me and that is OK! I don't want to know that stuff... kinda like when your the only guy in a room watching some sitcom and the comeercial comes on for "Femminen hygene products"... everyone just stays kinda quiet... you know that awkward silence... GIVE THAT AGAIN!!! I NEED TO HEAR THE AWKWARD SILENCE AGAIN!

*Sigh*

I love my girls... but DAMN.

More about this later... How do you spell "OH MY GOD?"

OMG!!!

So last week Hotdog man tells me I am to go under the knife (pronounced KA NIFE). My kid calls me up and tells me "some hospital place called you" I call the number back and they are all HIPPA on me and make me tell them my name, social, height, weight and so many things I hope I don't actually have to perform my own "procedure"!

*Sigh*

I ask when is this gonna happen (shaking already at the thought of it being so close... a week me thinks!)

WEDNESDAY!!!! Says the voice

Damn!

Can't take calls now... set the phaser to kill cause I done used up the STUN

*SIGH* *SIGH*

Ok I can deal with this... Doctor won't answer... they are out to lunch or golfing or both we am thinking.

Then I get a call from that voice again... she says "I am so sorry I made a mistake"

DAMN STRAIGHT YOU DID

"The O P E R A T I O N is scheduled for tomorrow"

"I hate that I told you to set the Phaser on KILL" I tell the voice
"HUH" she says
"Never mind, thanks for the bad info the first time... hope you enjoy your time on earth, did you get to finally meet our leader?"

OY VEY!

I need to fall off a cliff at this time don't I? After all I am now the new Wiley Coyote... I knew I should have sent back that ACME crap.

More later unless I am in surgery tonight.

Posted by: Keeme / 1:28 PM

SO I hate my house.. I mean REALLY HATE it

It is cluttered and full of CRAP

Well... I got this Idea to sell all my crap on ebay... but who would pay for an old scrached up pair of sunglasses with one lense missing????

Hmmmm

So then it hit me! BAM!

I will sell crap hidden in some kind of box... like that gameshow with Monte Hall.. what was it called.... Let's Make a Deal!

It freaking worked... *Shocked silence* .... The nicest person bought the crap and paid me like 4 bucks for the stuff and 10 bucks for shipping.

So I am doing it again until I sell all my stuff!

*Smile*

Stay tuned

Ok... if you knew me you would know I am a LOTR fan... if you have to ask what LOTR is then ask.

So I have been a fan since WAY before the movies. Back in the 4th grade this welcome back Kotter looking teacher read The Hobbit to us and the voice he did for Gollum was AWESOME (or as we said back then NEATO).

Fast Fwd a hundred years and we are checking out the trailers for the Fellowship (around summer 2001) and the cool one with Frodo looking down and you hear "MYYYYYYYYYY PRECIOUSSSSSSS"

I thought it was the teacher all over again... goose bumps man!

So I would say this all the time as a kid and when this cool trailer came out I went on a "My Precious" rampage.

So one day my friend Rudy hears me and says "why you gotta be talking like that all the time" and I figured it was annoying to him.. so I did it more and could not stop. We were the head honchos and we decided to take some people to lunch with us that day.. Denny's.

In the parking lot Rudy is yelling at me after the ride from work to Denny's (I went crazy with the "my precious"). HE says something like "Dude! you need to stop" and lots of other not so nice things.

I was laughing so hard... it was funny

Well before I sat down I went to the bathroom... and I did not realize as I was standing at the urinal that I had not stopped with the "My Precious" in Gollum voice

Then it happened

I heard one of the stalls fly open and some old guy ran (he was booking) out of that place so fast I did not get it until the door slammed.

OH MY GOD!

Here I am standing in from of the Urinal saying "Myyyyyyyyyy Preciousssssssssssssss"

When I sat at the table everyone asked what was wrong and why was I so quiet

Rudy won't let me live that one down.

*Sigh*

I still like LOTR but I try not to talk while in the bathroom now

So I have all these cards in my checkbook... capitol one, kmart, sears etc...

Most of them are expired!

I have been lugging these things around since 1999 and they expired in 2002

what a maroon I am

maroon... hehehe Bugs Bunny used to say that.

bet he never carried expired credit cards... heck where would he put them? You know come to think of it.. he had no clothes.... except when he was dressed in drag... hmmmmm.

That was one funny bunny

where was I?

OH! Damn cards... maybe I should complain to the credit card companies about my failure to know I had them and they were worthless to me... weighing me down.... waisting my fuel and more!


if your reading... Just kidding Dave

I just got off the phone with my Uncle Juanito.

This dude is one crazy tortilla flipper. He is in the hospital (somewhere in Scottsdale). And spends about an hour telling me about the great food he is getting in there.

"They have napkins man... with tied up string things around the spoons and stuff"

I say "this does not constitute good food man"

and then he describes the pot pies in real bowls.. and says "they brought me a salad by mistake...I even ate the lettuce!"

He hates Lettuce!

The true test will be the scrambled eggs... I tell him.. he hates all types of eggs... he just ordered them to see.

I tell him he is one crazy mamma jamma.

I hate hospitals.

He ordered an extra tray for me.

I am going to go visit for lunch.

what the heck... free food and Novocain 2 things I can't say no to.

So here is the deal
I bought something with a rebate and I failed to get it sent back in the alloted short period of time that the evil money grubbing rebate nazi;s set for us to fail with... and I tell my pal that I am going to retaliate with a website dedicated to the sharing of bad experience with the WORLD and I would not rest (well maybe some nap time) until all who know me (hi guys!) are made aware of such evil mastermind rebate hidden thievery is going on out there.

My friend we shall call him DAVE to protect his identity, proceeds to chastise ME the poor (literally and figuratively) cat who TRUSTED these PROFESSIONAL REBATE HIDDEN THIEVES.. he tells me how wrong it is to warn the good folk about the Godzilla stepping on little cardboard town looking buildings (us) and that they are only doing what is outlined by law... I tell him there needs to be a voice of madness in the crowd to change things... well change things for me at least.

And then it happens

Hmmmm
how shall I say this.


He (the DAVE W guy) tells me...

"You are a Economic Terrorist" and then some other stuff and then he calls me "The Economic Jihad"

I look at him... and think... this cat is funny as hell... then I think... I am going to dedicate my cause to him... when I start it out... I will say "This is for Dave"

:-)

EcoJihad that mi Amigo!

Now all I need is a pop tart

mmm pop tarts

Sleepy. Mmmm pop tart laced pillows... Now thats an idea!

Today was a long day... the servers went down (if you work tech support in any kind of idiot laden environment you know how bad this can be.. if you happen to not be tech support "we love you soooo much").

Servers go down... phones ring
* my internet is down waaaaaa

I started telling everyone that the "guys were on it" and to keep clicking the big blue E
after about 50 calls I called the network guys and told them we were getting strange calls and not worry about it just yet... I would call back if I found out more.

;-)


I get home and tell my kid I want to go to my first concert ever (Linkin Park) and I tell her that no matter what I want to go with her... even if I am dead.. in that case I would want to go (just my head) in a big glass jar... with holes poked on the top so I can hear. and without missing a beat and SERIOUS AS HELL she tells me "what if they want a ticket for your head and I only have one.. can I leave you on the sidewalk"

LONG PAUSE

man.... and she meant it.


then after a while the other one got involved and started saying things like ".... and we can throw it on the stage and put glow sticks in his nose...."

I need a new cast of characters


*Sigh*

I think Trogdor the burninator is the funniest thing at HomeStar's place

I love the tune!

"TROGDOR!!!!"

So I had this Idea... Well, there are always "INFOMERCIALS" about how to have flat this or bumpy that on t.v.and Heck if I know why they send me stuff to my email telling me I should have longer nose hair or about enhancing my "eyelashes" (you know what I really mean, right? ok then I will move on).


um

I forgot my idea... these darn new eyelashes of mine keep getting in the way. Just to let you know... I bought the TORSO TRAX, That slicer thingy (for the hot-dog cart... it never came.. I paid but it kinda stood me up) and other exercise equip... all of them (cept that slicer thingy) have been made into some type of storage unit for our clothes. When I am looking for my socks, I look to the resistance band chair thing... or for my pants... the Golds Gym thingamabob (yes thats a word because spell check found it.. hehehe I misspelled it!!! HAHAHA).

WEll I must go to work and order more things... my shirts needs a home and I hear them advertising soloflex... WOO HOO!

HEY! UM... nope thought I had it but still can't remember the cool idea I started out with, maybe later.

I don't think cable t.v. is good for me.

I had a dream these GIANT bees were chasing me... I turned down a dark alley and they get out of this old Hudson and come at me... they say "Stingin's too good for him boys" and proceed to Bee Slap me down.

Last time I am gonna watch the Godfather and change it to Nickelodeon before bed.

You know it is pretty much over when you think Homer is living la vida loca and you envy him.

So I went to the doc today... after waiting like 30 min to see the king.. I get told I need to go under the knife! hmmmm the bad thing is not that I have to do this "thing" but rather the way Mr. Kevorkian told me it would happen... "Well I am gonna cut this and move that and rip this other thing and..." About this time all I could do was think of happy thoughts (Like Peter Pan)... so I saw him as a giant talking hotdog... mmm hot-dog (I was hungry). But then it got worse because here I am talking to this giant hod-dog and it is telling me it is going to cut me! A violent freaking dog he was!

Musta been a ballpark... cause a Vienna Beef dog would have been nicer.. foget about it.

*Sigh*

Well lets see if my house gets hit by lightning or something!

So we went to see a movie about a horse... I know I already told ya that.... but what I did not know until lastnigt... was that my daughter who pulled money out of my checking account (at the atm in front of the theater) had left my card in the atm... Yes logged in so to speak.

*Sigh*

Can I just yell CUT! and have the stunt man finish this take.

yes someone took money out right after she did... well they were semi cool thieves.. they took $60 and not $200


I wish I had a nickle for every dollar I lose... then I would have a lot of nickles and no one wants a bunch of old nickles.


More to come I just know it

The WiZaRd

Sometimes I feel like I am up for a big part in a movie about my life and the director tells me "Sorry kid... you just don't fit the part, NEXT!"

Went to see Hidalgo lastnight with some friends and my kids. The Friends and kids were great! but the movie... let me sum it up

The horse is old then has life left... then GREAT.. then not so great... then dead kinda then WOW.. then he wins and gets to run with his homies once again.

Viggo was ok but he needed some Orc's to help him sell it a bit.

I will tell the tale of my divorce... not a happy time in my life but a strange one for sure. I have to give you information about my cousin who helped me through this difficult time in my life for it involves him (or he is the one with 90% of evidence pointing to his potentially prosecutable fault). Greg is about 5'5" powerful chick magnet type guy.. so he says... I call him Oompa Loompa. He like to drink... well... he is a drink I think I saw the label tattooed on his chest (that is another story for another time).... Well he wanted to help me celebrate my divorce so on Dec 7th (I know it was ironic) I was a free man.. and Greg came by that night with a "speed boat" attached to his truck... He told me he had borrowed it from a friend. Well to make along story even longer we get to the lake and for us Arizonans our morgues are considered too cold at 80 degrees... it was like a gazillion below zero and we are trying (for hours) to get this boat off the trailer and into the water... we are drunk (well the Oompa is Super-sized drunk) and (hehehe that was funny to me... Super-sized HAHAHA) where was I... OH! the darn thing won't unhook.... finally get it unleashed and then another hour to try and figure out how to start this beast... All the while I would offer to help but Mr. Loompa would yell at me in that crazy little (I might add kinda scary in an Oompa Loompa song without the knowledge that Willey was there to control them kind of way)... SO I just sat there celebrating ... I held on to the thought that things would get better until I saw it... the water coming into the boat... INSIDE the boat... I thought "should I tell the little guy... or will he blame me"... I opted to try (by this time he was throwing stuff around the bed of his truck looking for gas or dynamite and yells at me "Your in water!!! Thats the way boats are!!!" I knew nothing about boats and figured what the heck... It know what it's talking about. The water was at my lap and sitting behind the wheel of this boat I figured this is what keeps the boats from jumping out of the water... and thats when I heard the screechiest scream ever... It had jumped into the boat with me and realized I was on the right track... with the whole "boat is sinking" question from earlier... from 4am to 8am we managed to beach the thing and remove the water... apparently there are "plugs" you have to insert into the boat to keep the water OUT. I am too tired to finish this story... I will tell you about what happened the rest of the day if your interested.. here are the highlights though

*On the lake all day
*Drunk Drunk Drunk
*4 plugs not 3!
*Sinking is getting to be the theme
*"Borrowed and Stolen ARE DIFFERENT GREG!"

Greetings,

I am the Wizard and will be saying many things that will (without a doubt) embarrass me, my friends and family and maybe even the reader... I don't do this because I am looking to freak anyone out... I do it because the filter between my mind and my other Me's is broken.

So readeth on my kitty gatos!